What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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