I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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