During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
did i just pee glitter
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
