I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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