Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I'm really busy with my period
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