I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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