All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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