i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
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he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
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there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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