I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
