Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
time to smoke my breakfast
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
