we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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