on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Drunk is not a location!
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
