So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Randomize
