hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
