Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize