and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Did we literally take a cab across the street
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
