I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
