if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
