We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Randomize
