i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
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Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
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4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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