My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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