i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
