This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just had sex on a roof
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
