so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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