My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
