i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
