Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
porn star boner night. come get it.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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