dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
