I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
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She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
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Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Drunk is not a location!
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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