I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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