Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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