did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
