woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
