Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
