who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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