Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
