the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
