I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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