I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
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