Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
