Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Randomize
