Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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