I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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