I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
