Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
