he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
