dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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