I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize