I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
