Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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