I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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