I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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