I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
