You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
