that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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