And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
