everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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