just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
