would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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