bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
