you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
