I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Can Purell be used as lube?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
