im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
